And still You know me.

As some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with depression. As a psychology major, I probably should have been diagnosed months ago since I saw the signs, but I can be prideful and I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.

I need help.

I don’t need help in the way of sympathy or pitying glances, I need help in the fact that I’ve depended on myself for far too long.

I need Jesus.

I need Jesus so much, and my need for Him grows daily. The past week and a half has been a complete roller coaster; almost every hour, almost every minute, I am aware of the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes my soul heavy and my bones ache. There are fleeting moments where these thoughts do not plague my mind, these small glimpses of sunlight breaking through the clouds occur in my first waking moments. In my first minutes of consciousness all I am aware of is my desperate need for Jesus. Over and over I say “Jesus I cannot get through this day without you. I need you, I need you, I need you.”

My first thoughts in the morning used to be centered on how many times I could hit snooze and still look presentable for school, but now they are overwhelmed by my need for a Savior. I am overwhelmed by my need for someone who sees my heart and knows my pain. I am overwhelmed by my need to know that depression doesn’t own me, that it doesn’t define me. I am overwhelmed by my need to know that this isn’t my fault, and that I don’t have to fix myself.

My needs are being met.

My God sees me even when I am in the darkest of places, my sighing is not hidden from Him. He calls me a daughter, He calls me “Pure,” he doesn't see me as a depressed person, He doesn't see me as someone that needs to be fixed, He sees me as Beloved. This isn't my fault, this flaw in my chemistry, this flaw caused by the broken, fallen world I live in. There are people in my life that have been placed here to walk with me on the road to healing. I don’t have to do this alone.

I’m not saying that I’m okay now. I’m not saying now that I’ve had this revelation that everything is fine and dandy, I’m saying the opposite. Being a Christian, loving Jesus, is messy. Jesus came for the sick, Jesus came for the broken, Jesus came for the weary and He came for the outcast. I am far from being okay. However, I’m trying my hardest to choose joy in the midst of this darkness. I am thankful that I have been made aware of my desperate need for my Savior. In all of this, I know that God is good in all circumstances; I know that suffering produces perseverance. His power is made perfect in my weakness. Depression doesn’t define me and it doesn’t own me. And if you struggle with it, I want you to know that it doesn't own or define you either. There is hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVVlMQved8k

He is sufficient.

I have been hurt deeply in my past, and I allowed the pain to own me, I allowed it to warp my mind and I allowed fear to enter into my heart and paralyze me. I won’t go into details, but if you’d like to hear my story, I’d be happy to sit down and share it with you over a grande, soy, no water, chai tea latte and a slice of banana walnut bread. For months, years even, I have been carrying fear and pain, crying out to God, asking Him to deliver me and then being frustrated when I saw no progress.

          I started off this semester in a pretty bad place. I felt abandoned, rejected, betrayed, fearful, and most of all, distrustful of everyone. Things I had repressed from years previous came flooding back with a vengeance and feasted upon my tender heart. My soul was in such agony that it affected me physically; it caused me to shake from anxiety, which caused my heart to race uncontrollably, which rendered me sleepless and ultimately left me feeling completely defenseless. I was in despair; I was an empty shell of a person yearning for new life. I screamed, cried and begged God to rescue me, and when He would come to save me, I backed away and refused to let Him rescue me. He continually reached His hand down into my pit of despair and each time, out of a place of pride and distrust, I refused to let Him save me.  

          This past weekend, I had had it with myself. I was so tired of feeling broken, weak, and defenseless. I was in Waco, visiting one of my best friends, and the burden I was carrying was weighing so heavily on me that merely being conscious was a struggle. My friend saw this and asked me if I wanted to pray, and pray we did. We prayed for at least 3 hours, and by the time we were done praying, my soul had been set free and healed from deep wounds, petrifying fears, and recurring bitterness.

          Why this time? Why was I set free then and not months ago when I had continually been begging God to set me free? It’s simple really. I asked Him to set me free, and I believed Him when He told me I was free. I walked away from all of the chains that had been holding me captive, I refused to glance back at the pain that used to own me, and I proclaimed that fear could no longer cripple me. With Jesus, these things are possible, all things are possible. Jesus never left my side, even when I felt that I could not see Him, feel Him or hear Him. He was faithful then and He will be faithful until the end. He sacrificed Himself so I wouldn’t have to carry pain, fear, or bitterness in my heart. Jesus came to earth to love people, and through that love, set people free. We don’t have to walk in sin, addiction, fear, or pain. All of the things we hold onto, all of the things we allow to control us, to own us, Jesus came to send those things back to the pits of hell where they came from and offer us freedom and LIFE ABUNDANTLY. Jesus knew what He was getting into when He died for me. He knew what He was getting into when He died for you. He thinks you are worth it, and by the grace of God, you are. His grace is sufficient for me; His power is made perfect in my weakness. Let that sink in. His grace is SUFFICIENT for me, it is nothing that is in me that redeems me, it is His freely given grace that redeems me. His grace, His love, His mercy, that is what saves me. My heart rejoices in that truth, my heart trusts in that truth. My past does not own me, my fear does not own me, I am not broken. I am clean, I am pure, I am new, I am free. I have joy, peace, and life through Jesus Christ.

        

           Our God is not a God that is distant and angry; our God is a being that is near, He is a being that is love. He is here to save you, will you allow Him to?

“Hear the heart of Heaven beating, “Jesus saves, Jesus saves,” and the hush of mercy breathing, “Jesus saves, Jesus saves.” Hear the host of angels sing, “glory to the newborn King,” and the sounding joy repeating “Jesus saves.” See the humblest hearts adore Him, Jesus saves, Jesus saves. And the wisest bow before Him, Jesus saves, Jesus saves. See the sky, alive with praise, melting darkness in its blaze, there is life forevermore in “Jesus saves.” He will live, our sorrow sharing, Jesus saves, Jesus saves. He will die, our burden bearing, Jesus saves, Jesus saves. “It is done!” will shout the cross, “Christ has paid redemption’s cost” while the empty tomb’s declaring, “Jesus saves!” Freedom’s calling, chains are falling, hope is dawning bright and true. Day is breaking, night is quaking, God is making all things new, Jesus saves!”

From Azubah to Hephzibah.

I am tired of me.

I am tired of my mind

racing, racing, racing in circles,

racing so swiftly that I cannot

Sleep.

I am tired of this heart.

This heart that

Beats So Hard

It might beat

right

out 

of 

my 

chest

I am tired of these hands that shake.

I am tired of this stomach

that ties itself in knots.

Knots that my shaky hands

cannot loosen.

Knots that make my heart

more frantic in its attempt to

escape

my 

chest

Knots that plague my racing mind

and send it spinning.

I am weak.

I am unsteady.

My soul cries out for peace.

My soul cries out for dawn.

When will this night end?

When will my mind rest?

Will my heart ever accept its place in my chest?

Will it ever end its self-destructive ways 

as it throws itself against my ribs ninety-nine times per minute?

These hands, my hands, hands that play music to You, create art for You, love and serve You; will they ever cease to shake?

My soul lies in the darkest of places.

My mind, my heart, and my hands being the betrayers of its state.

My God, My God, why have You forsaken me? 

     -You shall no more be termed Forsaken. 

Father, have You forgotten Your child?

     -I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.

Here I am! I am right here!

     - Those who wait for me will not be put to shame.

My soul waits for You alone.

All my longings lie open before You.

The spinning in my mind ceases.

My heart begins to slow.

These hands, my hands—Your hands; they become steady.

Hallelujah

My God, 

You make all things new.

Hallelujah

My soul is at rest.

You are near.

Nachtviolen.

It is okay to be sad.

This is the deep conclusion I have come to after being stuck inside my head for hours.

It is okay to be sad. It is okay to be frustrated. It is okay to mourn.

I am allowed to feel what I feel as long as I do not let it rule me.

I don’t have to hide from God while I feel these emotions. My God does not just love me when I’m joyful. He loves me when I’m weeping, when I’m angry, when I’m broken. My God loves me in every circumstance. He longs to meet me in those places; He draws near to the brokenhearted. He is a loving, kind, compassionate Father who aches for me and brings healing. He understands my emotions because He created them; He created me. He knows me deeply and intimately, He knows what moves my heart and He gives me love in ways He knows will bring healing. My God is infinitely kind, and that is how I know I will be okay in any and every circumstance.

In this season, and in every season of my life, I will run to Him with my emotions. I will humbly kneel before the King of Glory with tears in my eyes, and say “Dad.. my heart hurts..” and He will kneel beside me and embrace me, because His heart is for me. Oh, how He loves me.

He will restore me. 

"This I know, that God is for me."

Psalm 56:9b

Eire

Tonight is my last night in Ireland. As I've been going through this trip, I've been asking God when my big "life changing" moment that everyone else seems to get was going to happen. And I got nothing. I was frustrated at first, but as I started thinking about it, I realized that He was slowly but surely altering my heart in not one, but hundreds of ways, some I'm not even sure how to describe. He moved in unexpected ways through unexpected people, and by the end, my heart was radically different. God gave me a brother and a sister, Wade and Raegan, whom I love with the deepest parts of my heart, and he taught me about vulnerability, unconditional love, grace, and most of all He taught me that when it comes to pursuing Jesus that physical age does not correlate with spiritual age. They love Jesus and live for Him in a such a beautiful, surrendered way; it's inspiring. They are living, breathing, testaments of the Truth of the Gospel.  God gave me Emily, who showed me that knowing who you are in Christ is the only way you'll ever be able to walk in your calling. God gave me Kimi and Jill, who showed me what it looks like to be a spiritual mother, and how to war for people in prayer. God gave me Landon, who taught me about self discipline and a spirit of excellence. God gave me Holly, who taught me how to push through your circumstances to continually pour love into other people even when you feel like you have nothing left to give. God gave me Jimmy, who taught me how to relax and let the Holy Spirit flow through worship, and that my humble offering of worship through my guitar was pleasing to the Lord. God gave me an entire team of people that taught me that family is not necessarily bound or defined by blood relation. We are covered and washed by the blood of Christ-that is what defines us as family. They taught me that the unity of peace binds us together through exhaustion, frustration, laughter and tears. The peace that is cultivated from hearts that love Jesus surpasses all circumstances. Though God showed me small things through each person, when you put all the pieces together, you see that He showed me a big piece of His heart for me, and He gave me that piece so I can in turn, give it to others.

Thoughts from DFW to Chicago.

Things that man has made look so ugly and false against the splendor of the Creator of the universe. We will never create anything more beautiful than what God has created. The wonder of a blooming lily cannot be recreated by man, the raw power and vastness of the ocean cannot be measured. All creation screams "LOOK AT MY CREATOR!" Creation begs you to stand in awe of the Great I Am, who was, and is, and is to come. It beckons us to marvel at His intricacy, to treasure up who He is in our hearts. Ah, the heart understands what the mind cannot fathom: God desires to be adored, treasured, feared, and trusted. The heart understands why it is stirred by a beautiful sunset, or the wonder of a shooting star, it understands that it is a romantic gesture from the King of the Universe, it understands that is his way of whispering "I love you" to the deepest corners of the soul. 

Humbled.

I'm fickle. I'm indecisive and I make decisions that are not honoring or loving out of that place of fickleness. You see, my fickleness stems from pride. I think I know what's best for me, I think that I don't need to submit myself before the Lord, I think that because I spent some time reading my Bible earlier in the day that I can do no wrong. So here I am now, in a place of realizing that I don't know as much as I think I do; I have allowed pride to well up inside my heart and in that I made a mistake. It is so easy to cast the blame on someone else and allow them to carry the weight of the mistake on their own, but the more I pursue Jesus, the more I realize that it is completely necessary to admit that I fail too. Admitting failure is one of the hardest things in the world for me, my pride gets in the way and I can't see that walking in humility is what Jesus calls me to do. 
However, today, God revealed to me this theme of fickleness in my life, and He kindly reminded me that I'm supposed to walk as a child of light (Ephesians 5:8). I can't walk in the light if my pride keeps constantly pulling me back into the dark. The only way I can rid myself of pride is to humble myself, admit I was wrong, and turn from pride. Jesus is kind in showing me that He is constantly refining me (Isaiah 48:10) to bring Him glory, and that my heart will continually be purified by His refining fire. He doesn't leave me in the dirt broken and prideful, He picks me up, tells me He loves me, refines me, and places a call upon my life. He says I will be a light for the nations, that His salvation may reach to the end of the earth (Isaiah 49:6). He chooses me in the midst of my pride, my fickleness, and brokenness; He chooses me because He loves me, He has made me a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). So here I am, humbled, before the King of the Universe because He chooses me. Because He loves me. Because He cares enough to make me new, to forgive me when I'm prideful, and to humble me so in turn, I am able to love Him more. I am so filled with awe at the fact that the Great I Am adores and treasures me that pride has no room in my heart and is obliterated. Humility is what I am called to walk in, and I am so grateful that my Jesus walks beside me and teaches me how to humble myself before Him.