And still You know me.

As some of you may know, I was recently diagnosed with depression. As a psychology major, I probably should have been diagnosed months ago since I saw the signs, but I can be prideful and I didn’t want to admit that I needed help.

I need help.

I don’t need help in the way of sympathy or pitying glances, I need help in the fact that I’ve depended on myself for far too long.

I need Jesus.

I need Jesus so much, and my need for Him grows daily. The past week and a half has been a complete roller coaster; almost every hour, almost every minute, I am aware of the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes my soul heavy and my bones ache. There are fleeting moments where these thoughts do not plague my mind, these small glimpses of sunlight breaking through the clouds occur in my first waking moments. In my first minutes of consciousness all I am aware of is my desperate need for Jesus. Over and over I say “Jesus I cannot get through this day without you. I need you, I need you, I need you.”

My first thoughts in the morning used to be centered on how many times I could hit snooze and still look presentable for school, but now they are overwhelmed by my need for a Savior. I am overwhelmed by my need for someone who sees my heart and knows my pain. I am overwhelmed by my need to know that depression doesn’t own me, that it doesn’t define me. I am overwhelmed by my need to know that this isn’t my fault, and that I don’t have to fix myself.

My needs are being met.

My God sees me even when I am in the darkest of places, my sighing is not hidden from Him. He calls me a daughter, He calls me “Pure,” he doesn't see me as a depressed person, He doesn't see me as someone that needs to be fixed, He sees me as Beloved. This isn't my fault, this flaw in my chemistry, this flaw caused by the broken, fallen world I live in. There are people in my life that have been placed here to walk with me on the road to healing. I don’t have to do this alone.

I’m not saying that I’m okay now. I’m not saying now that I’ve had this revelation that everything is fine and dandy, I’m saying the opposite. Being a Christian, loving Jesus, is messy. Jesus came for the sick, Jesus came for the broken, Jesus came for the weary and He came for the outcast. I am far from being okay. However, I’m trying my hardest to choose joy in the midst of this darkness. I am thankful that I have been made aware of my desperate need for my Savior. In all of this, I know that God is good in all circumstances; I know that suffering produces perseverance. His power is made perfect in my weakness. Depression doesn’t define me and it doesn’t own me. And if you struggle with it, I want you to know that it doesn't own or define you either. There is hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVVlMQved8k